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Thin line between beer and weird dreams

Thin line between beer and weird dreams

I KNOW that it might come as a surprise to many, but whether you believe it or not, I have made a vow to stop swallowing the frothy liquids which are made in some parts of Dar es Salaam called Ilala.

I made this vow after the frothy liquids I swallowed recently contributed in giving me strange dreams and nightmares, and this has been causing me serious worry.

I don’t know if I told you that there was a time I went to bed after visiting my favorite watering hole, Zakayo’s Pub, and immediately I started to doze off, a strange dream occurred to me, and I found myself in the form of a very ugly woman.

This time round I passed at Zakayo’s as usual, and I found the usual company, and because the spirit of the good Lord had descended on my boss and he decided to let go of my measly paycheck, I decided to swallow several cold ones before proceeding home.

One led to another, and before I knew it, it was very late, so I decided to surrender my poor soul to my wife, mama Boyi, because I knew I would be lucky if I escaped with only minor injuries, considering I had lost a single shoe in the process of dancing to the tunes of the new song ‘Beer tamu’.

But strange things happen in this world, and I found her sleeping peacefully, with no sign of the greasy frying pan anywhere. I thanked the gods of sleep for taking my wife, and I climbed into bed thankfully and I immediately switched off like a candle in the rain.

That is when the funny dreams started, and this time round I found myself at the pearly gates, and right in front of me stood a very tall and glowing man, and I did not have to be a rocket scientist to know that I was standing in front of an angel.

I was still trying to figure out how I got there in the first place, and my mind told me that after I fell asleep, mama Boyi woke up and killed me in my sleep, and that is why I was in heaven.

I started cursing loudly, and I cursed all the Nyakiusas, especially mama Boyi’s clan, whether in the land of mama Samia or abroad, and even those who reside in hell, because I knew that they are not fit to go to heaven.

I cursed the spirits of my ancestors for being outsmarted by a woman who happened to be my wife, and I also cursed Mzee Zakayo for selling me frothy liquids at the right temperature.

I was about to curse my boss for paying me at that particular time when I heard a booming voice calling my name, and I did not have to be a genius to realise that it was not Father Christmas calling me.

“Baba Boyi…….stop using foul language in heaven, or you might force me to cut off your tongue and feed it to the lions, you are in a sacred place, so please behave yourself!” the strange loud voice warned me, and I fell silent like a man sitting under the machine of his favourite barber.

The angel that was standing in front of me beckoned me to follow him, and I followed him like a sheep being led to the slaughter house.

We entered something that looked like a big courtroom, and the angel led me to a solitary seat right in the middle of the room.

The seat was made of solid gold, and I was doing quick calculations to see how I might disappear with it, before another booming voice ordered everyone to stand because the court was in session, and I stood up trembling like a leaf in a storm, facing a stern looking man in flowing robes who sat in front of me.

Another voice called for the witnesses in the case of baba Boyi against the United State of Heaven to enter the courtroom, and I watched in disbelief as my whole family trooped in, led by a defiant looking mama Boyi!

She was the first one to testify, and she told the heavenly court how I have been mistreating them, feeding them on vegetables until their brains started to resemble a vegetable, and how I have been neglecting them and spending most of the time at the local bar.

“You see your Honour, this man I refer to as my husband has been spotted on several occasions chewing on a juicy rib of a goat while his family lives on boiled mchicha!” she said. I was about to object when the deep voice rang…… “I warned you baba Boyi, shut up or else I will deal with you….!” The next witness on the stand was the domestic thug, who looked at me and gave me a wicked smile before climbing on the witness stand, I knew I was doomed.

He told the man in the flowing robe that on several occasions he nearly killed me in my sleep with his bare hands because I always smell of succulent nyama choma while their eyes are slowly turning green because of sharing a meal with our single goat.

The evidence produced was damaging, and I knew I was roasted forever, and the man in the flowing robes called the guards, several men who were built like prize bulls, to whisk me away.

I knew that there was no way I was going without a fight, and that is when the warrior blood in my veins started to boil at very dangerous temperatures, and with the swiftness of lightning, I grabbed the neck of one of the shocked guards.

He yelped like a scared dog as I started to squeeze his neck. Suddenly there was very bright light all over, and I heard a very loud bang.

I woke up in a cold sweat, and discovered that I was strangling my wife, and it was my domestic thug who saved his mother’s life with the help of the frying pan, which was lying under her pillow.


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